Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Randomize
