I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
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