census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
third nipple confirmed
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
