Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
