My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I forget how to act sober
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
