What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
