it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
