Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
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We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
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got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize