He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
