i wish starbucks made bloody marys
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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