Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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