I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
