Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
