i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
