Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize