I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
