If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
