i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
