So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
