I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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