So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
His hands were made for my vagina.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
