I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
