I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
