i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
