i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
