i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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