If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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