just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
