My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i can't believe i had my finger in that
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
