I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
