it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
