I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
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Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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