I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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