I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
