I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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