There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
