when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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