i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
