the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
