Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
