Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
