Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
