I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
