She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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