I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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