i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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