I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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