he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
