alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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