Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
