you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
