Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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