I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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