TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
