i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
