you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
The power of my boobs compel you
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
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