i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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