I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
