WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm gonna fight the coyote
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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