I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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