he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
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