i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
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i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
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His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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