Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
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