He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
