god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
